memories, like the corners of my mind
Aug. 13th, 2004 09:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boodieHave you ever loved someone you know you shouldn't, known that they were bad for you on some level, but you loved them anyway? I've only ever done that once, his name is Dan, I've spoken about him before, it is a very strange dichotomy, I knew we were never ever going to be able to have a proper relationship, the first time it fell apart was due to commitment issues, the second time that I might have been able to make it go right, I mucked it up by being so scared to let my feelings show, that I think he thought I didn't care for him anymore, which was so far from the truth it wasn't funny.
The dichotomy comes from the fact that ever since I first met him, I had this almost instant recognition, that he was my 'one' the person I was supposed to end up with, and yet I always knew that this wasn't ever going to happen, it was a weird feeling, knowing that I was supposed to be with him and yet knowing it would never happen.
The reason he was so bad for me was that I never knew where I stood with him, he always managed to keep me so far off balance, that at times I wasn't even sure if he loved me, as I can't remember him ever saying it to me. Thats probably wrong, but I can't recall him saying it, memory is a tricky thing, and my memories of him are a combination of all his visits and probably not in chronological order.
Why did this suddenly spring to mind, I was digging around again and came across his letters, and I got the same regretfull feeling of loss that I always do when I think of him, I think of no one else in this way, no one else, up until now, has managed to grab my emotions like that, it may be because he was the one 'who got away' or it could just be because I'm an incurable romantic with a stupid idea.
The dichotomy comes from the fact that ever since I first met him, I had this almost instant recognition, that he was my 'one' the person I was supposed to end up with, and yet I always knew that this wasn't ever going to happen, it was a weird feeling, knowing that I was supposed to be with him and yet knowing it would never happen.
The reason he was so bad for me was that I never knew where I stood with him, he always managed to keep me so far off balance, that at times I wasn't even sure if he loved me, as I can't remember him ever saying it to me. Thats probably wrong, but I can't recall him saying it, memory is a tricky thing, and my memories of him are a combination of all his visits and probably not in chronological order.
Why did this suddenly spring to mind, I was digging around again and came across his letters, and I got the same regretfull feeling of loss that I always do when I think of him, I think of no one else in this way, no one else, up until now, has managed to grab my emotions like that, it may be because he was the one 'who got away' or it could just be because I'm an incurable romantic with a stupid idea.
