boodie | (no subject)

Today is my birthday, and as usual I'm a little introspective, I was laying in bed thinking, and I realised something scary, that out of all the dreams and plans I had, I've done none of it, instead I've done what's been expedient, what's been the lesser of two evils, what's sometimes been no choice at all.

When I was 19 I was full of plans, I was part way through my diploma in childcare and I was going to open my own childcare centre, and have places for respite for disabled children, so their parents could have a break. Then after the rape happened, it changed everything, changed me. I realise now that after that I just let life pass me by, swirl around me; I did things because I had to, not because I wanted to.

I sort of fell into the diploma of Social Work, I sort of fell into having kids and getting married, and I really fell into suddenly being a single parent. I fell into the BA because it seemed like I should be doing something, same way I fell into networking, and then counselling. Then the sudden realisation that it did not matter whether I was good at it or not, it was not what I wanted to do.

Only now am I groping towards figuring out what I really want to do and boy have I left my run very very late. I really must commend the infinite patience of the people around me, as I stagger from one realisation to another and that includes my children. I've probably not been the best role model in the world, but I'm doing my very best with what I have at hand.

As usual I get joy out of writing it all out, thinking it through, making the words do and say what I want, it seems funny that only now have I started taking steps towards making working with words as a career.

..and that reminds me, I have three manuscripts I must polish up and do things with, I'm determined to make at least ONE of my plans and dreams come true, before too many more of these days have passed by, and not passed me by.

Enjoy the ride.

*edit*
I had a phone call from my father, I didn't get to the phone on time to answer it, but he left a message on the machine 'Hello, it's me, just rang to wish you happy birthday, I have some bad news, but I'll leave you to enjoy your day'. I rang him back, but he wasn't home... aaaaaargghhhhh.. He tells me has bad news, but then I can't contact him!