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Dec. 23rd, 2002 03:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boodie12 Days of Corporate Christmas
New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are
being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day was an example of the general decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from
now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which
will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are
being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long
they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day was an example of the general decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from
now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which
will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"),
a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.
Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize
the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
