Online relationships + real Life relationships = cheating??

[boodie]

I was having a discussion with a friend in IRC about various things, and the subject of cheating (in relationships) came up, he was of the opinion that it's black and white, that there are no extenuating circumstances in which cheating is allowable or acceptable, I am however of the opinion that its not that clear cut, there are varying shades of grey, which explain and sometimes excuse cheating.

Then I started thinking, if you have a relationship off line, but also have one or even several online, that may be just as intense to you emtionally, is that cheating, is that taking away something somehow from your RL relationship, or even if you just have lots of people that you cybersex with, and no emotional involvement, is that also cheating, does that take away from your RL relationship as well?

Where is the line drawn, or is it all cheating.

My own personal opinion is that unless your OL attachments actively interfere with your RL relationships, or cause your RL partner problems, then it's not an issue of cheating. To me OL sex is the same as having a favourite fantasy to masturbate to, it should harm no one.

However when you feel that you're getting more from your OL relationship in the terms of love, affection and satisfaction, then that is the time to step back and reasess just exactly what is going on in your RL relationship, and how to fix it. Taking refuge in an OL relationship as a means of escaping from figuring out how to fix the RL is not a good thing.

I know there will be people who will actively and probably violently disagree with me, people who feel that they have been betrayed by a partner who has had OL relationships, or even gone so far as to leave their partner for the person they met OL, that like my friend they think cheating is cheating, black and white, no shades of grey.

The thing to remember is that there are two sides to every story, but it's easier to play the wronged victim, rather than admit that you share some of the blame, the majority of people just don't suddenly decide to look outside of their relationships, there is usually a reason. If you have a need that isn't being met, say so, and conversely don't just automatically assume that everything is just fine and dandy, talk to each other and find out.

I welcome comments, but please refrain from calling me names or resorting to personal attacks, you'll just be ignored.

Comments

OMFG.

[4ifalcon.livejournal.com]

I've been waiting a long time to see this put into perspective, and it's going to take me a few more read-throughs to get it all crammed into my brainspace, but I think what you pose is a very, VERY valid debate. I'll comment again sometime soon.

[lonita.livejournal.com]

Cheating is cheating - there is no way to redefine it to better suit OL or RL. They are both the same. If you're doing something behind your partner's back - that's cheating. If you're allowing your RL to suffer because of OL - that's cheating. I don't see that you can distinguish between the two, or make excuses to allow yourself to have something online that you can't off, just so you don't feel guilty about inter-relationship dishonesty.

There's a TV commercial here for one of those phone date/chat line things, and one of the spokespersons in the ad actually says, "It's not cheating if you do it over the phone." That, to me, is giving yourself license to to do whatever behind your partner's back because it isn't really cheating.

If you want license to do whatever you want, with whom, and whenever you want, get into an open relationship, polyamory, or don't get into a relationship at all.

If your partner knows what you do online and doesn't give a rat's ass, then by all means, go nuts.

Pan has a point!

[(Anonymous)]

I think pan's views make sense. At least to me
- dav

[dewhitton.livejournal.com]

My personal feeling is that if you have an OL relationship and your RL partner knows and doesn't care, then it's not cheating. Otherwise, it's cheating.

Partners should talk so the boundaries are known.

[trickenzie.livejournal.com]

I think the line is in a separate place for every person. Couples have treesomes or go to swinging parties - that can't be cheating as they are both doing it, another couple - one may have an online relationship that the other doesn't know about - that would be cheating in my opinion.

But I have no idea, really. I think it depends on the people in the relationship and the way they feel. If one of them feels cheated, perhaps it was cheating...

That was a useful answer wasn't it? NOT.

[thesi.livejournal.com]

I support "open" relationships, but to each person the open relationship can mean a different thing..

I also believe that cheating is doing something that your partner would deem offensive to themselves, although that doesnt mean it really is cheating. They could just be greedy or who knows what.

What sums it all up best?

Common sense and moderation.

[bobbain.livejournal.com]

There's no cheating unless there's pretense.

No one got pregnant on-line :-)

And I believe the whole thing ends if you don't pay the power bill.

[charles.livejournal.com]

You could similarly define any RL sexual activity that does not involve emotional attachment as "just masturbation that happens to involve someone else".

A relationship, any relationship, involves the setting of boundaries. It is not the Internet that one should go to in order to ask where these boundaries lie, the answer can only come from one's partner.

It's a continuum. Some people will rail against a partner who asks too much of them: tries to control things they feel a partner should never ask to have control over. Some people will feel dissatisfied with a partner they see as not caring enough because the boundaries they set are too lax. In either situation, if the ideals of both partners are close enough, peace can be found in negotiation. If they start off too far apart, any compromise will grate on either or both of them, and the relationship is doomed anyway.

A good rule of thumb is: if you feel you can't ask your partner if it's permissible, it's probably cheating.

[elektron.livejournal.com]

There are a few things that are important in a relationship, other than love (whatever you take love to be). One is trust. Another is honesty. If sex with my hypothetical girlfriend isn't any fun and I sleep around and never tell her, I need to rethink the relationship (I know someone who doesn't get much from RL sex, but doesn't ask me for tiggy fun time).

But a lot of people are important to me, and if I manage to get a girlfriend sometime in the not-too-distant future, I don't expect that they'll mean any more or less to me. I don't say love, because I haven't figured that bit out yet, but there are a few who I'm pretty sure I wouldn't mind spending my life with.

A relationship shouldn't mean that I should stop missing past loves, or stop caring about other people. Is loving another person cheating?

[elektron.livejournal.com]

... Of course, then there's the question of what to do when you care about someone, but need to get sex to keep yourself sane (or you have two people who want a relationship, or whatever).

Then, I think it's not about what is right, but what is best. I'd still like to believe in honesty.

[ngarewyrd.livejournal.com]

I agree, there is no such thing as black and white in a relationship.. it varies between differing people as to what they classify as 'cheating'.

I think it's more the case, that it's really up to the couple in question, if both know of it, and accept it, then is it really 'cheating'?

[ladyjaguar.livejournal.com]

As an old fogey, I agree with those who hold that it is cheating. And of course, that is a very personal matter, and each has to make up his or her own mind about it. I suppose as long as there is agreement, as in "open" relationships, then whatever is all right with both parties is all right. Personally, it ain't my cuppa, but there you are.

Certainly if it is done on the sly, without the other partner knowing what is going on, then it is furtive and dishonest, and also disrespectful.

I do see a difference between a fantasy one plays in one's own head on the one hand, and "cybersex" or phone sex on the other. We all have fantasies; it's quite a natural thing to do. These are things we wouldn't act on in actuality -- well, many of us wouldn't, anyway. They're amusements, and sometimes ways of coping (I use fantasies to cope with pain sometimes, because the fantasies won't make me sick to my stomach, as many pain relievers will!). And they don't involve anyone else. "Cybersex" or phone sex does involve others. I just think there's a barrier there that I do not wish to cross.

My two cents.

[dharawal.livejournal.com]

should i have mentioned you by name 8-)